Birthday Thoughts

Written
1990

 It is like:

Rain from

        a cloudless sky,

Sugared lemon,

Cocktails boiling

        from the ice cubes and

       penny less millionaires.

It is a blissful sad tear.

An ugly beauty queen.

A darkened noon

        or speeding snail.

A lazy ant,

       purring

       from a cat fight.

 It is the

 Dreaded Delight!

Since you left me

       you are always there

       bubbling just

       below the surface.

You come back every time

       I pass a schoolyard.

Or go to a wedding

       and see a bride.

Or watch the graduating

       girls cross the stage.

Or when

       I see a dress that

           on you

           would have been perfect.

Or the day when

       I heard of  two others who

              had your same birthday.

Or when I look at

           scrape books

           and you are there.

I told you

        with rising balloons

       that you could leave,

       that I could

        now let you go.

But you didn't,

       you are always there.

Christmas time,

       the Dreaded Delight.

Your birthday today,

       the Dreaded Delight.

This is the best we can do.

Always greatly missed

       and always remembered

       with  Dreaded Delight.

Happy  Birthday!

Notes
The joy of remembering and the pain of remembering really go together for any mother who loses a baby daughter. I wrote this for such a mother. There are some pains that never leave.